Wednesday, December 10, 2025

Merry Christmas 2025


 




 

 

 

Merry Christmas 2025 and Happy New Year 2026 

 

This was a year of changes for our extended family, but we are finding ourselves at the end of it with a lot to be thankful for. One big change that I might as well get out there first of all is that this will be the first Christmas letter I have written since December 1982 that isn’t from Greg as well as me.  Am I bitter and angry and filled with hate? Yes, sometimes, but do I still love him? Yes, all ways, always. All I will say about his choice to move out without telling anyone while I was at our oldest son’s birthday party is that it came as only a bit of a surprise.  He had already told me he still loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and that where he felt at home wasn’t my business. So the rest of his story isn’t mine anymore except that he still helps when I need it and still tries to be there for our sons and their families. And while he hurt me a lot, he gave me years of happiness too.

 

Everyone who knows me knows I was unhappy to see the return of Donald Trump to the White House and wasn’t cheerful heading into January anyway, and then having to deal with suddenly having a reason for the deep loneliness I was feeling made the first half of the year quickly become a time I’d rather die than repeat.

 

But then June 25, the 75th anniversary of Mimi and Harvey’s wedding, as well as also the 75th anniversary of Trisha’s grandparents wedding arrived with the first thing to celebrate in my year. 

 

I got a Daughter-In-Law and saw my firstborn looking happier than I had ever seen him.  And after their beautiful wedding life began to feel hopeful again



After the wedding Emerson and Daisy and I had several fun days at the Smith River and Daisy and I took a trip up the Oregon Coast to walk a labyrinth raked in the sand in Bandon. We visited Fern Canyon and Greg came along that day. 

 

We also went to the county fair while Emerson was working at a booth, so Daisy and I took a couple of her friends along and checked out the ribbons we had won from our paintings and her beadwork. They rode the carnival rides while I snapped photos and talked to friends and ate corn on the cob.





 

Fall arrived faster than I could believe and with it, middle school for Daisy, and property ownership for Emerson. He coached soccer for her team again, and she joined Greg’s kids choir again. I am still painting and have sold a dozen of the hundreds of watercolors I have completed. I I also published a book using my watercolors to illustrate a cookbook of the favorite recipes I learned from and created with friends and family.

 

I am Healthier feeling this year than any of the last seven years although I still don’t have a definitive diagnosis, I have become friends with severl people including Dr.’s who are working on establishing diagnostic criteria for many of the same symptoms and there has been much help both with ways to cope with the symptoms but also with the emotional pain and isolation of having a cronic condition. 





I can’t begin to foresee what will have come to pass in my life by this time next year, except that in one way or another, there will still be moments of beauty and happiness.

Merry Christmas and a hopeful New Year, my friends and family.  I love you.

 

 

Dixie

Friday, September 5, 2025

Setting a September Table





Priscilla Miller’s chili

My mom‘s chili had hamburger and beans and was easy to throw together, but it really hit the spot on a snowy Wyoming day


Mom’s go to recipe, Whenever she wanted to please people at a potluck or at home she made these. They didn’t always come out of the pan in perfect squares and yet as soon as one person tried them, they would be so vocal in their praise that they would disappear like magic. Back before box mixes were a thing.




This recipe came from extended family,
My Dad’s brother in law had a sister who treated me like family and when we went from Wyoming to Pennsylvania for summer visits she would invite me over for lessons in how to cook. These pretzels and chicken paprikas and rye bread were my favorite Margie memories. 


 

Tuesday, September 2, 2025

Never Fail Pie Crust

 I love this recipe from an old Church of God cookbook from Cody, Wyoming.  My mom and grandma and great grandma worked on when I was tiny. This was from one of the ladies who was kind to children but one of the elderly ones even then. #sept-the-table


Thank you for the many delicious pies. Hulda Downer




Monday, September 1, 2025

Sept-the-table. Lemon Pudding


This one is an impulse challenge born out of spending my Labor Day weekend canning blackberry jam and baking and processing the abundance of fruit we have along with looking through my mom’s and grandma’s and great grandmother’s old recipes 
I love my own watercolor a day challenge so I’m going to combine it with my desire to organize my favorite recipes. But if you wanted to take photos of your own creations or of the process or the old tools of the kitchen, and add in recipes that could be amazing too

So my challenge is going to be tagged Sept-the-table

And I’d love to see some others play along. 

https://365project.org/tags/sept-the-table



 

Friday, August 29, 2025

Canning season

 My yard is full of weeds and they bite. When I harvest the free fruit and fill my kitchen with a steamy perfume I always feel connected to my grandma, even though there were no blackberries where I grew up in Wyoming. Her yard was also full of weeds and the magic of turning them into food for the year was her gift. Grandma had wild horseradish and gooseberries and asparagus in the irrigation ditches. She made jelly from dandelions. Of course she made my brother and I fill the brown paper grocery bag with only the yellow fluff from the dandelions, but she boiled and ladled the dandelion jelly. She made rhubarb custard pie and salad from dandelion leaves. I miss her most days but at fall harvest. She’s always there.





Sunday, August 10, 2025

Sic ‘Em, Pal

 Sic ‘Em, Pal!

 

      The rattle from beneath the clump of sagebrush startled he pony and she jumped forward.  My long adolescent legs tangled on a large stone and my butt hit the ground, hard.  The pony scrambled forward and away as I climbed awkwardly to my feet.  The 12 year old dog dancing excitedly beside me barked in concern as I brushed the alkali dust from my eyes.  How would I ever get the pony back?  In frustration and panic I demanded a skill of the dog that she had never possessed, “Sic em, Pal”

     To my horror the dog immediately snarled and ran after the pony.  Growls and angry barking astonished me, as I had never heard anything like it from Pal in the 10 years of my life.  Now I wouldn’t have to explain a missing pony.  Instead, I would have to explain why the pony had been killed, on my orders, by the world’s friendliest red farm dog.  Once again, I wished I could be anyone but me.

 

     At ten, I was awkward and un-popular in school.  During 4th grade, I had gone from 5 foot even, to five foot 9 inches and my ankles twisted nearly every step I took as the cartilage had not had a chance to fill in with bone yet.  Now at the start of fifth grade my height and flaming red hair made it impossible to be as invisible as I wished to be.  An only child until just before I started school, in a family with great-Grandparents, great-aunts and uncles, grandparents and parents, I got along well with adults, but I very clearly remember my mom telling me to “go outside and play,” and me, standing frozen on the back stoop, with no idea of what that meant.  The children at the grade school seemed like graceful, but mean, alien creatures with whom I could never say or do the right thing.  I hid by writing imaginary stories and letting my long hair obscure the face I bent over the notebook.

     I was only truly happy away from school, and the best was the weekends when we drove to the ranch 30 miles away where Mom had grown up just North of Meeteetse, Wyoming. Her cousins and Aunt Clara still lived and worked hard on the old homestead.  Summers were hot and dry and the air smelled of sagebrush and Alkali.

There were often chores to be done before the family gathered for one of the enormous meals that barely kept skin and bones on the hard working ranchers.  I knew that the work needed to be done but every weekend I begged to be allowed to ride Echoes of Pandora, the beautiful Morgan mare, who owned my heart.  Rarely, there would be a free moment and then my cousin would saddle her and pull me up behind him and for a while I could be in heaven.

     This day the men: my cousin, Dad, and Grandpa, were out setting irrigation lines in the fields.  Without the constant monitoring of water, nothing but greasewood, cactus and sage would grow here.  The women: Grandma, Little Grandma, Aunt Clara and Mom were in the steaming hot kitchen, snapping aprons full of green beans and packing them into quart Ball canning jars.  I had helped for most of the afternoon, and finally been told that I could go out and ride the shetland pony, Princess, if I also gave rides to my younger brothers and cousins.

     I was surprised when not one of the children wanted to come with me.  They were playing on a big dirt hill, pushing bright yellow Tonka Trucks and tractors, across the ground and the vocal energy that they put into the sound effects roared across the prairie.  Of the two dogs at the ranch, even Lady, the collie refused to come out from her patch of shade where she lay watching the Tonka Truck Rodeo rather that choosing to accompany me, but the large red dog, Pal hoisted herself to her feet and followed along gamely.

    Princess, with her coat of cinnamon sugar, was a sweet, gentle animal that even a town girl, like me could hardly have trouble with.  At least, I’m sure that is what the adults had been thinking.  She was so short and round bellied and I was so long and gangly that my toes nearly dragged across the earth with each step.  In spite of the stories I wrote, the sketches I covered my walls with, and the dreams of my heart – I was not a graceful rider.

     We turned of the graveled track, with Pal following faithfully at our side.  The faithful, red, dog had appeared on the ranch, footsore and matted coat, but obviously not much more than a year old, eleven years before and been there for my entire life.  Ranching country was, unfortunately, often the dumping ground for large, young dogs just past puppy cuteness, once families realize how large and difficult they can be.  My cousin assumed the dog, which showed up at feeding time one night, and stayed was another drop off.  Pal had never been trained, but was a friendly, even-tempered dog who stayed close to the kids and the collie, happy to roam the ranch and wander along looking for jackrabbits and white-tailed deer among the willows and cottonwoods which lined the banks of the Greybull River. 

     Vivid, clownish Magpies flashed across the waxy blue sky.  Their bold black-and-white flight captured my eyes for a moment.  A hot breeze skittered past, pushing a small dust devil across the land. Suddenly a rattle near the ground startled Princess.  A snake would make the better story perhaps, and be quite unsurprising here, but I saw a piece of yellowed newspaper tangled in the brush, rattling as the breeze stirred it.

     Princess jerked forward then scrambled nearly sideways as she tried to bolt.  Her short legged, stoutness made her nearly waddle.  Still my dangling toes tangled with a boulder and I fell backward.

     My jean clad, rump landed unhurt, but my mind exploded in a dozen panicked thoughts at once.  How would I ever re-capture the pony?  If I lost her, I would never be allowed near Echo.  There are rattlesnakes around here!

     I jumped to my feet and pointed after the fleeing Shetland, “Sic em, Pal!”  It was an outburst from my frustration and impotence with no expectation, but then the Old Dog Did!  She exploded after the pony, growling and getting around in front of her, planting her feet and going nose to nose.  She forced the frightened animal to stop, and stand, sides heaving until she calmed and I could grab the reins. 

     Afraid to get back on, I led the pony back to the corral and brushed her down with shaking hands, giving her water and apple slices, while Pal gulped noisily from a water bucket.  Finally I turned in amazement to the red dog.  She grinned up at me as I patted her head nervously.  Suddenly the faithful shadow was a mysterious stranger full of unknown danger.

     Hesitantly, I thought of every command I knew, and tried them.  Even though she had been around our family for eleven years and never been given a command, she executed them all perfectly.  She sat, spoke, rolled over, shook my hand, begged and played dead.  Her tail wagged and her eyes sparkled as if she was delighted that someone was finally playing with her.

     

After I put her through her paces for the amazed adults, and told the embarrassing story of my fall and the command to “sic-‘em,”  the discussion turned to where Pal had really come from.  Obviously, such a well trained dog, had not just been an abandoned, unwanted, overgrown puppy.  All our assumptions were wrong and someone must have ached over the loss, but after all this time, the mystery remains unsolved.

     But the mystery stayed with me and continues to influence my daily decisions as a teacher.  Yes, the girl who hated school, grew-up and never left the classroom.  I know that if a dog can remember lessons learned after not using them for a decade, then the students, I teach every day, may carry the smallest interaction with them for the rest of their life.  I am reminded to make impact on their life be one of kindness and love and optimism.  Pal showed me that learning may not be visible in any outward way, and yet, still be carried inside for life.

     I also look at these children, some seeming unloved, abandoned almost feral.  Then I remember that this assumption would be the most wrong of all.  At the start of every life there was a hope for a family who loved each child, and a mind capable of learning, and loving, and laughing.  Where their paths intersect with mine, I pray my own version of the Hippocratic oath – Let me help them, let me teach them, and when I cannot reach them, at least let me do no harm until they move on to one who can teach them and guide them.

     And Echo?  Yes, I got to ride her at times.  She was steady, gentle and never gave me a story as exciting as my afternoon with the pony.  She did give me one thing I use on a daily basis, her name. For many years  I used “echo” or “pandorasecho” as my on-line nickname, because there are so many memories of family and happiness – but most of all, because I remember that the echo left behind in the box Pandora opened, was HOPE.

 

 

 


Sunday, May 18, 2025

The Story of Us - Part 10

 



The refill

The empty nest was so fleeting as to make me wonder if it was an illusion. The youngest son graduated high school in 2012, and went to UC Santa Cruz for the 2012-2013 school year and the day they were to go back for sophomore year they found out that they were going to be parents. And they didn’t return. By the oldest grandchild’s first birthday she was moved into our house with her dad and today she turned 11. I’ve long told her that mothering is a verb. And as her grandmother I’m blessed to also be able to mother her. But it comes with the sadness that her mother hasn’t seen her since she was three. 

Then when Daisy was two my oldest son had a son. Gavin turns 9, in 11 days and his little sister Trinity is six. Seven in August. Because they have two very capable parents, we get to have more an actual grandparent and grandchild relationship. They live four miles away, so we see them often and love them dearly, but aren’t raising them. Just loving them and leaving the heavy lifting to their parents. 

I had no great longing to be a grandmother but it’s been the joy of my life. And I’ll never forget the first weeks after we became grandparents how Greg would talk to himself as he got dressed, “Go to work, get home- and go see Daisy!” It took me awhile to fall so in love but he was there before she took her first breath. Grandpa’s girl. Who even as I type this is in the middle school, preparing for the coming Friday and Saturday concerts for the children’s youth choir she is in that he directs.
 

The ties that bind 

Once upon a time in a simple office above Main Street in Cody Wyoming a young man and woman stood in front of her family and a justice of the peace and promised what all newlyweds promise. 

To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse and forsaking all others to cleave only to him/her till death do us part. Amen 

And then three hours later we called his family to tell them it was a done deal. His mom swore she wouldn’t believe it until she saw the paperwork but by the time we arrived at her house three days later, she had a chocolate wedding cake waiting. 

The future remains unclear 

Writing at the end of April after posting a picture a day on the 365project website, Your kind views and comments this month made me question the wisdom of writing my story in this order but it helped me remember the truth in the Taylor Swift song “Happiness” 

“There will be Happiness after you but there was Happiness because of you” and 
“What will you do when a good man hurts you but you know you’ve hurt him too?”

So there was a 40th anniversary on May 21, 2024 but the 41st won’t be anything to celebrate. I knew that he had disconnected from me by October 26th when he went walking with us in the redwoods in the morning but kept checking his watch, then said he was going mushroom hunting with friends, left at 11 AM and texted at two the next morning to say he was too drunk and would be camping out at his buddy’s but it wasn’t until Jan. 20 that he looked up from unbolting the base of the Christmas tree that he admitted he had been cheating. Looking through the dry branches he said all the stereotypical things. I still love you, I’m just not in love with you. You’re still my best friend. Im not sure I want the marriage to end. 

But on March 29th. Our oldest son’s birthday he walked away early from the party and when I got home his essentials were gone. Since then he has been here a lot. Still directing the granddaughter for choir, still helping when the youngest son became brutally ill, still paying the bills and trying to be a friend and dad and grandpa. 

It’s not even a surprise. The signs were so clear. Lost a hundred pounds. Started going out drinking and mushroom hunting and fishing and camping and not making it home lots of nights. He was depressed and miserable and we are both feeling the relief. But we were too good at not bringing up our problems in front of our sons and making it still feel secure so this fracture really hurt the youngest son who lives with us, maybe more than me. 

And I don’t want to make myself sound guiltless. I was sick, but hadn’t worked or contributed financially for several years. I couldn’t be touched without triggering muscle contractions that hurt. Intimacy is something you think is only physical but losing it begins with lying to each other and lying can be simply avoiding telling the truth. We both share the blame there. 

But no regrets. Forty years of mostly happiness and two wonderful sons and three grandkids I adore. That is not a failure. 

And what can I say but beyond this there will still be happiness.