Feeling Homesick

 Having taken my youngest to college and dumped him out  400 miles from home, and left him there to have his own adventure, I find myself missing him.  I also find myself missing my own Mom and Dad and Brothers and the State of Wyoming which I left behind at the age of 21, yes 27 years ago.

 My husband's family is from Newcastle, on the North East side of WY where the Black Hills, Devil's Tower, Custer State Park and Mount Rushmore are easy drives for an afternoon of exploration and where coal trains rocket through repeatedly each day.

Newcastle, WY

Custer, SD

Where we worked the summer we got married

Evan's plunge

 There is a lot to miss about Wyoming.  The scenery is diverse, the wildlife is amazing and the people are wonderful.  I am so grateful to be from Wyoming.  But I don't miss the extremes in weather, or the constant wind (Oh yeah, that's because the wind never stops gusting here either.)

Buffalo Bill Dam

 I love the Buffalo Bill Dam, and the Cody Night Rodeo and the area around where I grew up too.  Cody has Yellowstone and the Beartooths and the hot pools of Thermopolis and the spectacular Bighorns and Horseshoe Bend to enjoy.

TeePee pool in Thermopolis

Heart Mountain

Cody, WY

On Chief Joseph Highway to Beartooths

Mom and me

 But of course what I miss the most is my family, and one brother now lives in Virginia, and my cousins have moved away and my dad has been dead since 1997.  Only Mom and my brother Lance still live there.  And a few precious school friends.  And home is here in the solar-free and ginger approved Redwood coastal fog belt.

My Brother, Lance

 But I would not be who I am without the Rocky Mountains having formed me.  Without the smell of sulfur still permeating my hair and lungs from the hot springs, without knowing what it feels like to stumble into a bull buffalo in the dark or find a bear sharing your campsite.

 Without the Cody view of Heart Mountain, not the internment Camp side, painted eternally on the inside of my eyelids.

The old Bronze Boot

Heart Mountain

Tower Falls, Yellowstone

Wherever else I have traveled, wherever else I still may go, Wyoming defines me and calls to me and laughs at me when I admit I may no longer be tough enough to endure the smokey summers and the freezing blizzards.  When My Great-Grandparents married in 1892 and drove their stage from Hot Springs, South Dakota and came to help Buffalo Bill establish a town with his name on it, They may not have realized that they were deciding right then who I would become, but they were.

Life Moves Fast, Don't Blink

Today is a day our family celebrates.  Sept. 22 was the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time, and that meant that my second son would be arriving when our first boy turned One.  September 22 is, in our Family, "Discovery Day" because that is the day, the Dr., who was evaluating the health of the baby we were adopting for his six month check-up, told me, "Think POSITIVE!"  It wasn't my appointment but moments before, I mentioned that I wasn't feeling right, and even though, I couldn't have kids - she suggested a pregnancy test.  I laughed skeptically but pee'd in the cup anyway.

After 10 years of waiting to be a Mom, I finally got to hold my 14 hour old adopted son, and fall in love with him and take him home.  Life was Perfect.  A year and 18 days later, it was even more so.

I love being a Mom.  It was everything I dreamed of and more.  My boys were lovable, frustrating, exhausting, rewarding, beautiful monsters.  But every time I blinked they got older.

Now the oldest of my two first-born sons graduated from High School last June and my youngest is a senior.  The house I waited so long to fill, is quieter and lonelier already now that the older one has moved out.  Yes, he visits, and texts and gives me hugs and brings his puppy over to play.  But it will never be the same again.  I never realized how the empty nest syndrome could truly feel like mourning.  I dread the next graduation even as I celebrate the success and growth of my youngest from 7 week premie to six foot two, young man.

Cousins

I know that I had a life before kids and some of that was put on hold and is coming back.  Only recently did I finally realize my goal of being a published writer, with two novels in a year - but the life with the kids, I have always know was the peak of my mountain, the cream in my donut, the star in the sky of my life.

I thought he'd be a pirate forever.

Best Friends

Well of course they are not anything, Forever.

I miss the children they were.  I'm glad we celebrate them each at least twice a year, Birthday's, Discovery Day and Adoption Day.  In reality I celebrate them with every breath I take.

I am so proud of the men they have become but wish that it did not happen so fast!

So if you have kids, don't think it lasts forever.  Don't think the other stuff won't wait.  It is the baby who won't be there forever; the chance to say "yes" to telling a story, or going to a soccer game, or swimming instead of working.  I have a few regrets of paychecks i didn't earn, but no regrets of things I couldn't but, My house isn't new, or fancy, but it is filled with the most loving memories, and when we all move on, I don't care if none of the stuff comes with us - but I know the love will.

Brothers

Today the baby I tried to have for 10 years is a High School Senior.

Somehow, a life flies by and the one thing you can do to make it worth while, is spend it on the people you love.  My children and my students, my siblings and parents and cousins and neighbors and always and all ways my spouse, have all added frustration and problems to my life, and pain when I have had to say good-by

But they have all added to my life, joy, and more good moments than any one person could ever deserve.