Last 4 posts of Autobiographical Challenge

Becoming Men Collage

Life changes fast when your children are only a year apart. You have two babies and then you have none. You live at the grade school and then you never go back. Two high school students consume your life and then the house is empty.

Suddenly the boys are men, and unlike the teens I knew, are full of smiles and laughter and easy hugs. They have women in their lives and one has a child. Now I am dong other things than being a Mom, but being a Mom was the biggest joy of my life and watching the boys turn men, and my husband and I turn into grandparents has been amazing. Sometimes I feel too lucky, scared that everything I ever had on my bucket list has been accomplished so what comes next? I knew I needed new goals, “me goals” or I would turn reclusive and never be able to pry myself out of the house.

Well Hello, Baby

No matter what you think you want from your life or when you expect it to happen, there are some things that take you by surprise and demand their own timeline and insist on happening, not according to your plan but JUST RIGHT NOW.
Our babies were like that, not even close to when we planned to have children, so why would we expect our granddaughter to be any more cooperative. Daisy didn’t arrive on anyone’s schedule but her own. Yet like some of the best gifts that life gives you, her arrival, surprise that it was, filled us with joy and laughter and hope for the future. All those wonderful gifts that babies have been bringing to the world since time began came with this little girl.
It is nice to be reminded tht there is nothing in the world so important that it can’t be set aside for a moment, or a month or a year, while you ignore everything but the chance to make tiny lips smile and tiny eyes crinkle and tiny lungs burst into giggles. When time slows down, in that old, ordinary way, Life can be extraordinary.

Author Presentation

Here I am, in front of a classroom like I have been many times since becoming a student teacher, then a teacher, then a substitute teacher. Now a writer and story-teller. Now I am not telling kids that they have to pass a test to succeed in someone else’s definition. I am telling them that they can define what success is and reach for their own dreams. I am telling them that if the bullied and terrified girl can grow up and talk to rooms full of children, and if the shy, bookworm can turn those early crayon illustrated notebook “Novels” into published books, and convince school districts to use them to teach from, then they can also find a way to share the things they love with the world. I tell them they may never get rich doing what they love, and they may need another job to put food on the table and a roof over their head, but that they should never give up on doing the things that make them feel glad to be alive. I tell them that if you find something that delights you and makes you interested, other people will be interested and delight in it too. It’s all about recharging your energy so you have energy to help recharge our darkest days and let the rest of the world see how beautiful it can be just to share this big blue planet with each other.

Finding The New Trail

Well, when we first met, we were half the people that we are now. Finding someone I could love this much when I was just 18 is a pretty rare and amazing thing and I never take it for granted for a moment. We had so many dreams that we used to talk about as we carpooled to those first college classes back in 1982 and the strange thing is that all of those dreams have come true. We have raised two incredible young Men, we have travelled and taught and loved and fought and made up and kept going. Now we are back where we started, a couple on our own, in the uncharted waters, for us, of dealing with aging parents with weaker by the day, health issues and new grandchildren, and sons who didn’t see us as perfect parents and so have to learn to be their own guides now. We have had to go through another lonely Thanksgiving and Christmas even more depressing than the ones just after we got married. We had to go camping with just us, and find conversation through 3,000 mile road trips without anyone interrupting. We still have less stability than we should, we are in debt and not seeing a way to keep up on the maintenance that out old house and cars need. We have moments of being scared and lonely and wondering what the future holds, but every night when I drift off to sleep I still hear him breathing beside me, and that makes everything good. 

My Heart Goes to Sea

 Way back in March of 1993 I was told that “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

but that wasn't sufficient warning for the real impact of how much your life and values and world change the first time that child is in your arms.  My favorite things brfore I was a Mom suddenly all had to be re-evaluated and only the people managed to stay on the list.  Some things I had loved, like "Nightmare on Elm Street" were forever gone.  i didn't want to think of that kind of horror in the same world that my baby lived in.

 But that first child of mine was good at finding plenty of things to make a mom want to wrap him in bubble wrap and keep him always close.  He loved speed and noise and the great outdoors.  He still does, and as he has gone from a baby to a young man he has made me question the safety and sanity of my beloved child fairly frequently.

 I will never forget the day when I was at the river with my husband and both boys.  We had done a lot to water proof out children, including taking them to the pool twice a week starting when they were only weeks old and playing in the water with our infants in our arms, then paying for all the swimming lessons, and taking them to the beach and river with us.  That said, kids (and adults) drown here every year, the water is not something you can ever really be proof against.  This moment I am talking about, they wanted to swim across the river with my husband and jump off a rock there.  i knew the next step would be doing it with just each other, and in my min I saw the next steps that kids here take, going on their own, driving to more remote river spots with higher rocks and bridges to jump from. Surfing the ocean or kayaking the rapids.  I so wanted to say "no"

 Then I had a moment of something that still feels like truth to me.  I did not adopt this boy, or give birth to his brother to raise them wrapped in cotton.  A life spent being safe is ultimately no life at all.  So I gulped and visualized the worst, if they jumped from the rock and got caught in the river and I could never reach them in time.  I looked at that gorgeous water and the towering redwoods and the beautiful sky nd remembered a saying of my Great-Grandmother's people, "Today would be a good day to die."  Of course I didn't want them to die, but I did want them to live. So I said, "Go for it!"

 and I keep saying it to him.  And I still shudder inside every time I think of the worst case scenario.  None of those have happened    YET

 but many best case scenarios have come true

 So the day after tomorrow that young man climbs on a boat to head out to sea.  A tiny boat and an enormous sea, to try his hand at what is known as, "The Deadliest Catch"  Really?!  They had to call it that?  The world may see an adult, but I still see my baby.

 and I really like the idea of bubble wrap or a big padded room.

 But this is a young man filled with adventure and energy and the biggest heart, so he is taking my heart to sea, and I am, once more saying "I love you.  Go for it!"

Just come back.  Safely and often.