Not Giving Up, Today

mouth of Smith River
Seals on far shore

sun through Amber pendant

slough

Jan 19 and already flowers

 I've been feeling sad and small lately, I know it is partly the post holiday, exhaustion and the seasonal lack of light blues. It is also largely the fact that I'm hurting all the time.  The first thought in my mind is often the thought that, "I'm dying" or "I can't take being this person anymore!"

         Depression? Yes, but suicidal, no.  The only oblivion I'm seeking lately is the oblivion of 12 hours of sleep every day.  If I don't sleep that long at night, and I easily can unless my alarm goes off, then I fall asleep, mug of coffee just drunk, and second one in my hand, right after coming home from work.

     To try to make myself feel better, I've bern forcing activity, going outside and taking photographs, playing with editing them, and accepting every substitute job I get offered with preschool through first grade. The little kids cheer me even as I know I'll need two days of recovery from the physical wear and tear.

when I'm lucky, I get to paint with them, directing their art lessons cheers my soul.

I can't seem to focus long enough to write a blog, or caption a picture most days, and I had a six month wait between Dr. Appointments, so I still have to wait until Feb. 21 to see the Rheumatologist again.

what have I had suggested and eliminated so fat? Lyme Disease, Diabetes, Lupus. Possible that this is RA but the specialist doesn't think so. Right now he is suspecting IBM disease. Yuck, but livable 

I'm not giving up today.  Not while there is so much beauty I've yet to explore