Not for Wimps

 When I bought this house 23 years ago, I was a young Mom of two busy preschool boys and looking for a good place for them to get outside and enjoy being children.  I was impressed with my wonderful, old but never elderly, neighbors who, in their early nineties still had more energy than my husband and I ever had.  Hr helped us out many times and was about as perfect a neighbor as one could hope for - and the closest he ever came to complaining to us was when he would sigh, "this getting old isn't for wimps!"

of course, as happens, the years flew past, and we lost our neighbors and the kids grew up and moved out, then one moved back in with his daughter and the fishing poles and legos were replaced by a flood of pink toys.

I started to feel the wear and tear of aging in my bones and tendons and in the little things that were suddenly huge aches to do, if I could still do them at all.

I'd cuss under my breath and remember, "It's not for wimps."

but then I started to look at people who were a lot older than me and who acted much younger, and I started to think, wait, I'm only 55, that isn't "old, old" yet I feel closer to 100 than my neighbors ever acted.  That's when I started trying to seek answers.

I've been to Dr. after Dr. and had biopsies, blood tests, scans and scopes. I've been paying off bill after bill.  Every appointment seems to result in further referrals to places where I will be charged more and know less.

I am never without pain, I've stopped buying shoes with laces because most days I can't bend to tie them. I only cut my toenails when I'm having an exceptionally good day, and I can't get out of the ben bag or the hot bath that used to be my two places of solace.  I can sleep, and usually do, often beating the 4 year old on total numbers spent unconscious each night.  

 But when people ask how I'm doing I usually smile and say, "Fine. How are you?"  I don't think they believe me anymore. I see them holding doors, offering to open jars, trying to be subtle about making sure I don't fall.  I guess in that way, I am still fine.  I sure am surrounded by good people.

 and Beauty.  I'm surrounded by beauty everywhere I go.

but when I google my symptoms and search medical sites, I see a bunch of other people just like me. Waiting five year for a diagnosis, and maybe hoping not to get one, because then you enter that scary realm of, pre-existing condition, and no one wanting to insure you. 

I wish I could wake up feeling strong again, but when I do get advice and suggestion, they so often are contradictory.  no one seems to know and I often go to bed wondering if this will be the night I just can't wake up again.  then I remember the grandkids, an I know, I have to keep searching for answers because I want to be here for them for years to come.