Summer 2019

After 35 years together, my husband and I have a lot of the routines down as routine, and it's easy to go along thinking that summers will always mean the same thing. Teaching some summer school, doing some maintenance and driving back to Wyoming to visit the grandparents.  Somehow, even 7 years after the youngest child graduated high school, 5 year old granddaughter having led the way to tree grandkids so far, it took the death of our final parent, my Mom last November to really convince me that going to visit the grandparents has become being the grandparents.

 My husband has been in a new job for a year now and no longer gets summers off, and my health has deteriorated to the point where this summer I have been in a foggy state induced by trying various medications to see if my racing heart and high blood pressure and painful joints and muscles can be less disabling.  So fr I'm not sure which handicaps me more, the ailments or the treatment.

 but summer, I'm a summer baby who has always loved summer more than any season, and yet this summer even our coastal cool, feels like a steamy heat wave and I'm sweating an complaining at 68* and my cat died, leaving me with two parrots I've had for 30 years and am not sure I can keep cleaning their cages and feeding them.  I love them but they get ignored when I'm feeling too sick to stand and the granddaughter needs must come first  I don't want to sell them to someone who will quickly tire of their noise and mess and realize they don't make good pets, but if I could find a good parrot sanctuary, I might be giving them up.

 I have been reviewing my writing and writing something every day, and I think the medications are finally almost at the right balance.  I'm feeling better and hope it continues as the weather gets colder again.  My fear is that the warmth is really all that is soothing me at the moment

Don't talk about . . .but I am

Talking religion, politics and money

Feel free to answer any questions in the comments

Religion

1. What was the first “religious” story you remember being told? 

Probably Noah’s ark. 

2. Did you accept the same beliefs as the adults who raised you?

 Yes, kind of, my Dad never went to church with us, so as a young person I did go with mom and grandma and my brothers, although by high school I was in youth for Christ and my mom was not certain she still believed. She later returned to the church. Before she got dementia we went together on a mission trip to Guatemala and as we talked I realized she was much more open minded (yes, read “like me” if you choose) than I had thought. She believed in Christ with a blend of other wisdom from various cultures. 

3. Did you have a time when you were super religious or super anti religion? 

Was it a phase or did it become part of who you are now? From about 4th grade until I was in my mid twenties I very much believed the teachings of the Anderson Church of God, basically Nazarene, I thought we were right and everyone else was wrong, but that the others were hungry for the truth of Jesus, so if we told it they would welcome it. I was republican, anti abortion, and believed God never gave us more than we could handle and that if we had enough faith God would give us what we needed.
As it became clear that good people are given way more than they can handle, and perfectly fine, faith filled prayers still let babies be abandoned naked under bridges in Wyoming winters and wonderful people die in anguish. I became more convinced that the Bible was a big Santa Claus story made to calm the nervous children.
I found my way back to a bigger belief, that lets other people have their own journey. I still believe most of us are trying to reach the same destination, but some have leaky storm tossed rafts and some private jets. I believe love is more powerful than hate and in a perfect world I wouldn’t believed in abortion, but until there is food and family enough to care for every child who is here, I don’t believe in making more babies be born only to be unwanted, neglected or tortured. God can judge that.

4. Have you ever lived somewhere where yours was a minority faith? 

yes, when we were living in China, not long after the cultural revolution and just before Tian and Men square massacre.

5. Have you ever served in a church or on a mission and what part of that meant the most to you? 2002, I got to go to Santiago Atitilan in Guatemala. We were there to build cinder block houses, but it was in between projects, so after a couple days clearing stones from the lot and sawing rebar into set lengths, we were asked to work at the Mayan Grade School instead. Seeing my children and the Mayan children communicate without words and teach each other games and songs was the best at communicating to me that these children and mine are connected.

6. Does your religion still matter to you? 

If so, what is the most important part of it in your opinion? Yes it does, And if I’m wrong and never know it, I’ll be happier for having lived like it’s true anyway. I believe in a God of love, a God who wants us to love one another as we love ourselves. A God who wants us to say Yes to helping when we can and to sympathize when we can’t. 

Politics

1. What do you think is the most important thing a government needs to do? 

To give the people it represents the freedom to live their life and have their homes unfettered by most interference until the point where their freedom is used to hurt and abuse someone else’s. The my freedom ends where my neighbors begins idea. 

2. How important is it that your friends politics agree with yours?

 I love having friends who don’t think like me, who challenge my thinking and keep me awake.

3. Do you have a deal breaker issue that means you can’t be friends with someone due to their politics?
Of the big, most talked about issues, which are the three that will most likely get you to jump into the conversation? Kid’s rights I guess, maybe all my issues center around kids. The right to a free, public, meaningful education that prepares them for adulthood. The right to accessible, affordable, healthcare and food and housing. A basic level of living for the citizens. The right to protect their safety, to be held to standards before you can drive or own a gun, the right to know you can defend against a police force filled with white supremacists or against a public whipped up to an anti police frenzy if you are one of the many good Law Enforcement Officers, the right to know their highways and schools and public buildings are held to safety codes. 

4. Of the most important (to you) issues, have you done anything more than talk about it on social media? 

Maybe, hopefully. I work with kids, volunteer, donate plasma, write and try to help but probably less than I should

5. If you could convince everyone of one thing about Donald Trump, what would you want them to know for sure? 

I can’t stand him, so I’d say the one thing is that he’s really bad for America, he divides and manipulates and abuses and lies. But I guess I’d say it isn’t DT I need to convince them about at all. He’s just a symptom. I think we need to convince everyone to look for the helpers and to be one. 

Money

1. What is your biggest fear about your current finances? 

That it won’t be able to handle an unexpected emergency. 

2. What is something about how you have handled money in your life that you feel proud of?

 I’ve handled it with trust that it will work out, enough that I’ve been able to enjoy raising my kids and grandkids without too much panic.

3. What lesson about money would you most want your children to learn? 

That you don’t need as much as the ads make you think you do, that no matter how much money you have, you can be miserable, and the best things in life are free all around you. Yes, you have to earn a living, but then you have to live.
4. What would be the top five priorities you think government money should be used for?
World security, global environment protection and shared resources (being able to survive climate change)
Education
Healthcare (and mental health included in that)
Cooperation and care of public lands and highways and buildings

learning to adapt to change

5. If you had extra money, is there a charity or two that you think would be deserving of your help?
Habitat for humanities
World vision

6. Can you live as you normally do, on the money you have coming in from working each month, and if not do you dig into credit cards, or savings or borrow, or share expenses? 

Yes, mainly, but usually something like new tires or car repairs and a dental root canal can make us need to access a payment plan.

Not for Wimps

 When I bought this house 23 years ago, I was a young Mom of two busy preschool boys and looking for a good place for them to get outside and enjoy being children.  I was impressed with my wonderful, old but never elderly, neighbors who, in their early nineties still had more energy than my husband and I ever had.  Hr helped us out many times and was about as perfect a neighbor as one could hope for - and the closest he ever came to complaining to us was when he would sigh, "this getting old isn't for wimps!"

of course, as happens, the years flew past, and we lost our neighbors and the kids grew up and moved out, then one moved back in with his daughter and the fishing poles and legos were replaced by a flood of pink toys.

I started to feel the wear and tear of aging in my bones and tendons and in the little things that were suddenly huge aches to do, if I could still do them at all.

I'd cuss under my breath and remember, "It's not for wimps."

but then I started to look at people who were a lot older than me and who acted much younger, and I started to think, wait, I'm only 55, that isn't "old, old" yet I feel closer to 100 than my neighbors ever acted.  That's when I started trying to seek answers.

I've been to Dr. after Dr. and had biopsies, blood tests, scans and scopes. I've been paying off bill after bill.  Every appointment seems to result in further referrals to places where I will be charged more and know less.

I am never without pain, I've stopped buying shoes with laces because most days I can't bend to tie them. I only cut my toenails when I'm having an exceptionally good day, and I can't get out of the ben bag or the hot bath that used to be my two places of solace.  I can sleep, and usually do, often beating the 4 year old on total numbers spent unconscious each night.  

 But when people ask how I'm doing I usually smile and say, "Fine. How are you?"  I don't think they believe me anymore. I see them holding doors, offering to open jars, trying to be subtle about making sure I don't fall.  I guess in that way, I am still fine.  I sure am surrounded by good people.

 and Beauty.  I'm surrounded by beauty everywhere I go.

but when I google my symptoms and search medical sites, I see a bunch of other people just like me. Waiting five year for a diagnosis, and maybe hoping not to get one, because then you enter that scary realm of, pre-existing condition, and no one wanting to insure you. 

I wish I could wake up feeling strong again, but when I do get advice and suggestion, they so often are contradictory.  no one seems to know and I often go to bed wondering if this will be the night I just can't wake up again.  then I remember the grandkids, an I know, I have to keep searching for answers because I want to be here for them for years to come.

Not Giving Up, Today

mouth of Smith River
Seals on far shore

sun through Amber pendant

slough

Jan 19 and already flowers

 I've been feeling sad and small lately, I know it is partly the post holiday, exhaustion and the seasonal lack of light blues. It is also largely the fact that I'm hurting all the time.  The first thought in my mind is often the thought that, "I'm dying" or "I can't take being this person anymore!"

         Depression? Yes, but suicidal, no.  The only oblivion I'm seeking lately is the oblivion of 12 hours of sleep every day.  If I don't sleep that long at night, and I easily can unless my alarm goes off, then I fall asleep, mug of coffee just drunk, and second one in my hand, right after coming home from work.

     To try to make myself feel better, I've bern forcing activity, going outside and taking photographs, playing with editing them, and accepting every substitute job I get offered with preschool through first grade. The little kids cheer me even as I know I'll need two days of recovery from the physical wear and tear.

when I'm lucky, I get to paint with them, directing their art lessons cheers my soul.

I can't seem to focus long enough to write a blog, or caption a picture most days, and I had a six month wait between Dr. Appointments, so I still have to wait until Feb. 21 to see the Rheumatologist again.

what have I had suggested and eliminated so fat? Lyme Disease, Diabetes, Lupus. Possible that this is RA but the specialist doesn't think so. Right now he is suspecting IBM disease. Yuck, but livable 

I'm not giving up today.  Not while there is so much beauty I've yet to explore