Another September, Another Chance

I love September, especially when we're in it.
Willie Stargell 

We know that in September, we will wander through the warm winds of summer's wreckage. We will welcome summer's ghost.
Henry Rollins 


I also love September, and yet I find myself often depressed by it. As one who has lived 45 years on an American school schedule, I feel September as my true New Year. This is when I evaluate how the last year went and promise myself that I will change the things I didn't like and hold on to the things I loved.

After 45 year it becomes easy to see that doing that isn't easy. The resolutions each year sound a lot like the resolutions of the years before them.  So hope and depression mingle, like the perfection that is my home area in September, when the fruits are ripe and scenting the air and free for the taking. When windows hang open and the temperature both mid-day and mid-night is comfortable without air conditioning or heaters. Life is perfect but also tainted by the knowledge of how quickly things must change, and when they seem perfect, even a small change feels like a loss.

Yet This picture of my Son reminds me that the more things change, the more they stay the same.  As a toddler he wanted nothing more than to be on a boat with a line in the water. So when grandpa took him and his brother out, he was in his element, and now, when he thinks I'd  rather have him in college like his brother, 

he is a commercial fisherman with a lot of hard dangerous work and he is not always happy, not always content, but he is where he was born to be and he is true and loyal to who he is in a way that makes me proud of him.

 Wouldn't it be boring if everyone made the same choices?  If the world had one color, or one species or one religion or one dream?

I find my dreams and hopes in my family and my students and in the books I write and the books I read. I don't think my way is better than yours though, if you never want to have a child, or write a book, if exercise delights you, and you like to get physically tested, I love to hear your stories and watch you work out.

At 50 I have lost enough loved ones to know that the sadness I feel in September is the knowledge of things slipping through my fingers and away, no matter how tightly I grip.  I know my enjoyment of the vivid sunflower will be bittersweet for the knowledge of the grey rainy winter on the way. I know I play with the young dog, and already see him old and limping and grey muzzled now that I have had a series of wonderful dogs live out their life as my friend.

 But I can anticipate more than pain and loss. I also have lived long enough to know the death in the family, is followed by another birth, that the withered sunflower stalks drop the sees that volunteer next springs green shoots, and next Septembers glory.

So I have been thinking about what I have and what I have not done. I was going to make the bucket list of the things I wanted to visit, and do, and own, but while it is true, I want to see and do more, I'm not too concerned with owning THINGS anymore So this is what I really want for my resolutions

 I want to get rid of the clutter the way my neighbor has spent the summer removing the old junker trailer.

 I want to enjoy the gifts of life, like free blackberries

 and beautiful friends
 and bright
vivid
blooms

Joy Comes With the Momentum of Habit

 When The New Year came, I told myself that I was going to focus on "Joy" as my word for 2012.  It hasn't been easy so far, because I am facing a lot of changes I don't want but have no choice over.  Kids growing up and moving out, parents growing old, debt piled up dealing with both.

But then I have made progress, and it is coming in baby steps.

I have been learning the truth of the fact that attitude is so important in shaping your life.  And every time I start bogging down in depression and a sense of being overwhelmed, I have turned the thoughts off by asking myself, "What is the happiest thing I know this moment?"

Often the answer to that is something simple and yet powerful to change the course of theta moment, and through on into the entire day.

Often the answer is the people in my life, my husband, my children, a friend whose offhanded compliment makes me grin for days.

and

often the answer is the places where I choose to see beauty.

I live in an incredibly beautiful area, but also one of poverty and problems

 So what I see, depends on what I choose to look for.

Beauty is always there, and seeing it refills the deep well of Joy that I am drawing into my life each choice I make.

It has created its own momentum.  I don't have to remind myself to look for the positive now.  When I wake up and my brain starts, "I hate . . ." even before it can add, "Mornings"

My momentum has turned it around in its tracks and started listing the abundant treasures that exist in my life.

It is also about habits and movement.  Last year, you might find me indulging in a hot bath in the middle of the day, then settling into my recliner with book and a plate of snacks  -  then feeling depressed because my house was cluttered and the jobs had not been done, and we had spent more than the income we brought in.

Deciding to be responsible for my own joy, meant I had to get up and get dressed, wash the dishes I was blessed to have dirtied with our abundant food. And look for ways to bring that peace and joy into my life.

Baby Steps, one pile decluttered, one step done in creating a resume, one day when I went out looking for beauty.  It adds up quickly into someone who is a better person, and happier, and joy slips in quietly and lifts my here in gratitude.